6 JULY 2005 LEAVING LAS VEGAS & THE PRICE OF VAGINA From left to right: Brian, Kari, Hoogermonkey, Z, and Mohawk Tony. "In 2005, I got divorced, bought a van for $850, and moved to New York City," said Brian as we sat outside Duncan's cabin in Wisconsin. "That should definitely be the first line of your story." It had been a slow and difficult move out of the Lowertown, Saint Paul artists' coop I'd lived in since October 2001 — tiring and sad with so many goodbyes. Two hours from Saint Paul, in Wisconsin, we landed at Duncan's cabin at 3AM on Sunday July 3rd to find Kari, Hoogermonkey, Jen, and Mohawk Tony still awake. The cabin is all about relaxing on the dock and porch, cooking on the grill, sitting round the firepit — it's all about hanging out with the people. This 4th of July weekend was overcast — a bit like our moods given the weekend was a goodbye party, after all — until Independence Day itself when things brightened up, taking lake swimming from endurance test to refreshing swim. Click here for firepit photos FIRE! Highlights of the weekend included setting the Flying Monkey Airlines Courtesy Bus on fire by driving from the cabin the 2 miles to town and back with the parking brake on. Mohawk Tony was longboarding down a hill as we approached the cabin, and told us that the van was smoking. We drove the remaining distance to the cabin and parked, at which point I saw the extent of the problem. Large clouds of smoke were pouring out of the two rear wheel wells. Army medic Ben, who has traveled to South America and had returned from serving in Iraq this last year, knew that smoking axle grease was responsible so I knew we had to get water onto that as quickly as possible. The smoke clouds continued to grow in intensity. If you've ever laughed at safety instructions such as the kind you find in hotels, that say "Shout 'FIRE!' FIRE!' loudly", don't. There's a good reason for them. In these kinds of situations, when a group of people suddenly recognise a real danger, it's very easy to freeze or run around like a headless chicken. I started shouting words and short sentences, "FIRE! GET WATER! GET FIRE EXTINGUISHERS! FIRE! HURRY!", which worked like the starting pistol for several urgent dashes for plastic gallon jugs of drinking water and down to the lake to fill buckets with water. While Jen was the first down and back up the 60 foot high rickety stairs with a 10 gallon bucket full -- think Survivor: Wisconsin -- Brian insisted on having one last chug of beer before handing me the bottle to pour on the smoking axle at a point during the 5 minute crisis when there were no other liquids available. Hardly very James Bond of him. Above: Rear view of the Flying Monkey Airlines Courtesy Bus. In the end after pouring several gallons of drinking water, several beers, and a couple of buckets of water into the wheel well area and on to the axle area, all was well bar a fried parking brake pad. Although it got very close to setting fire to the Monkey Bus, real disaster was averted. There were several other cars trapped between the bus and the cabin. It would have been a big fire. When all the possessions you own are impossibly and tightly squeezed into a 5 foot by 8 foot by 5 foot compartment like so many tetris bricks, you had better put the fucking fire out because you're not going to get your stuff out in any less than half an hour. Above: The fish still flops. Other weekend highlights included Julie catching three fish to Mohawk Tony's catch of one frog and a crayfish. The crayfish did spark the idea of a crayfish chum fest with a dead mussel which kept us occupied for half an hour. "THE PRICE OF VAGINA" In not quite a highlight, Shrumpy turned up at the cabin, the offensive but entertaining old bastard, to call us all gays for painting the Chinese character for monkey on the bus, and to let us know that he was once again the rooster of his barnyard. I figured out that he was born in the Year of the Rooster (I called it "The Year of the Cock" which instantly guaranteed he adopted it as his day's public mantra) and I pointed out that this very year was the Year of the Cock, his special year in Chinese astrology. Things are better now, he said, beginning a soliloqy about his relationship with his longtime girlfriend with his voice that sounded like a can of rusty nails. Hoof has started opening up her legs again and I'm getting some. For a while, the price of vagina was too high and I couldn't afford it. Now, the price of vagina is lower because we're doing things my way. So I thought I'd start doing some work on the house here and there. Later that day, on inquiring about the other half of the story from Hoof, we heard a slightly different version of events in which vagina was currently priced so irredeemably in excess of Shrumpy's available credit that it was unlikely he would ever even see down her rabbit hole again. In fact, as Hoof told it — and she was the one with her name on the house's title, the money in the bank, and land worth a couple of hundred thousand dollars — she had been hiring people to do the work on the house that Shrumpy was supposed to do. Damn vagina insurance! Shrumpy would no doubt have called it. GOOD TO GO So, I'm 'Leaving Las Vegas' with that same bittersweet feeling from the Sheryl Crow song, heading for New York City in an $850 bus with Captain James Duncan and our Assistant Navigation Officer and Chief Catering Supervisor, Roo the Dog. In my ears, I hear Mahdi, a friend from the Coop saying his favourite new phrase, "Good to Go!" The next leg after Wisconsin, a 10 hour drive to Michigan City in Indiana went smoothly on July 5th, and we arrived at Ali and Ben's cabin. So fasten your seatbelts and prepare for take-off. The Flying Monkey Airlines Courtesy Bus is heading for cruising altitude. Next stop Louisville, Kentucky. Above: Assistant Navigation Officer and Chief Catering Supervisor, Roo the Dog relaxes in Ali & Ben's garden after the Monkey Bus' safe landing in Michigan City. Captain Nigel Parry, writing from the cockpit of the Flying Monkey Airlines Courtesy Bus, Michigan City, Indiana, 6 July 2005.
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